Shards of glass
by Acajou Amarth
Summary: Alex and Addison grew up as neighbors. They developed a fragile friendship, secretly having the slightest crush on each other. Fate tore them apart. But it always gives you a second chance to find your personal shard of glass... Addex AU
1. Prologue: A perfectly normal day in Iowa

**Disclaimer: If I owned Grey's, we'd get to see Alex' past, so noone would ever think he was a bad person. Sadly, I do in no way own Grey's. So all I can do is show you my take.**

**Pairing: Addex. **

**Rating: T**

**Summary: Alex and Addison grew up as neighbors. They developed a fragile friendship, secretly having the slightest crush on each other. Fate tore them apart. But it always gives you another chance... Helps you get your personal shard of glass...**

**Warning: Totally AU. Well, not totally. Just mostly. **

**A/N: Sigh... I've had this idea ages ago and written a huge part of it. Cannot promise frequent updates, though. But I so hope you are going to read and comment! This story means a lot to me, mostly because it's Alex' past we're dealing with and I've never read such a story (and Shonda won't give us anything other than small infos told by Alex himself). Naturally, I had to get Addie into it.**

**I'll write a McBlog entry about this soon. You might want to consider checking it out. There's also a trailer for this, but I posted that a long time ago, so you have to go looking for it. Other things that are important in my McBlog: Information about my other fics. I always ramble after I post a chapter. The comment for 'Karma X' is missing, because I had it all written and then the entry got deleted by my computer and I don't feel like doing it all again.**

**The chapter: Not the best one in the entire story. Should suffice. I'm not all that fond of it, though. Hope, you disagree. Even if you agree, please comment and tell me so! Well, that was that. Now all I can do is wish you a pleasant read. Enjoy!**

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Shards of glass - Prologue: A perfectly normal day in Iowa 

_Lifehouse - Blind_

_I was young but I wasn't naive  
I watched helpless as he turned around to leave  
and still I have the pain I have to carry  
a past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried_

It was a warm summer night. Starlit sky, full moon, a soft breeze... In any other situation Addison would have considered it romantic.

She was a total romantic, like most of the girls/women still were when they were 19, so it was kind of strange that she didn't have tons of cheesy thoughts about sitting there with her most perfect dreamy boyfriend, holding hands, kissing softly, maybe going a little further, but always very slow and romantic and wonderful. Those thoughts were very far from her mind right now.

She was sitting on the doorstep outside of her house, wishing she could just go inside, go to bed, pull a pillow over her head and shut out everything that was going on at the Karevs'. But naturally, she couldn't, couldn't let herself. He'd need her.

It'd been obvious. From the moment the car had pulled into the driveway, it'd been obvious what'd happen tonight. Again. There were hardly any Friday nights when it didn't happen. And Alex had made sure the kids weren't at home, so he couldn't be all that surprised either.

Addison's eyes were fixed at the yard. There were flowers, lilies, mostly, now lazily letting their heads hang down, asleep. A big oak tree with a swing and what she knew were deep green leaves, black in the night.

It'd been two minutes. He'd appear in about thirty to forty seconds, sneaking out of the back door.

She was biting her lip nervously, a habit that she had picked up at the tender age of ten, when she'd moved here. Every time she heard the noises, she felt like she had to do something, anything. But she never did, partly because she didn't knew what, partly because her parents were strictly against her interfering, but mostly out of fear. It was beyond frightening. There was a reason why he never let the little ones stick around on a Friday night. She didn't know how Alex did it.

Speaking of which, there he was. A lonely figure appearing in the garden of the house on the opposite side of the street. No 7. Addison slowly stood up, then walked over to meet him.

Alex Karev was the angriest man she knew. The most self-destructive. The most scared. His face betrayed him. Even in the dim light of moon and stars, she could see how much he had already locked up. Stone walls. Don't let anyone in...

Wordlessly, he sat down with his back leaning against the huge tree. Equally silent, she sat down on the swing. He'd start talking when he was ready to. A lot of their time together consisted of this. Comfortable silence. Simply being there. Never touching. As in never. She never had touched him. Not held his hand, not hugged him. Too intimate. The timidity of little children was long gone, but the barrier between them was still there. His stone walls.

"How was school?", he asked quietly.

"You had a fight with Neil, didn't you?", she responded.

Neil Scotnea, a guy in some of his classes. He tended to pick on Addison every time he had a chance to (she assumed Neil was madly in love with her). Then again, he tended to pick on everyone. Alex and him were sort of friends. Sort of. As in, Neil didn't really know much of anything about his 'friend'. And Alex would never tell him. He never told anyone about anything. The only reason Addison knew, was because they were neighbors and he couldn't hide it. It'd taken them long enough to develop this very fragile friendship.

"It wasn't a big deal.", he shrugged, "He's just jealous I'm older and wiser. Oh, did Newton give you hell for not having finished your essay?"

School talk. They did that. A lot.

"No. I think he secretly has a crush on me.", she laughed a little. It was no secret. Her English teacher loved every single thing she ever did. Actually, she had the feeling she could skip classes or destroy school furniture or sponges or something or never do homework and only give an empty sheet of paper to him when they wrote tests and she'd still be a straight 'A' student.

"Yeah, I got that feeling, too.", he chuckled. She adored it when he did that. It was a hot, light sound. Yeah, hot. She didn't even try to fool herself. Even though he was two years younger than she was, he was quite yummy. Especially when working on the field with his shirt off. What? A girl could look, couldn't she? He had an amazing smile and a hot chuckle. He didn't do it often enough, though. Not many reasons to be in a good mood.

"Can't say I blame him.", he went on. And there it was again. The little bolt of lightning that screamed both, 'DANGER!!!' and 'Sometimes it's so hard not to kiss him...'. Though it was obvious he had no interest whatsoever in being more than her friend. And the only reason why she wanted to kiss him was because he looked so good. No deeper feelings involved. Nope. Definitely none.

He seemed to have realized what he just said had sounded slightly suggestive and quickly added:

"That came out wrong. I'm simply saying that you're beautiful and clever and any guy would be lucky to have you. That reminds me: How are things going with Shepherd?"

Derek Shepherd, her boyfriend of a year. Going steady. He was older than her and had just started college. They'd met in New York, when she'd been visiting her aunt. He lived there, so they didn't see each other as often as they wanted to. They did love each other, after all. She missed him, sometimes, but when Alex was around, Derek didn't even matter. He simply faded into the background. Which was weird and unexplainable.

"Oh, me and Derek are fine. At least those times we do see each other."

And so it went on and on and on, until late after the noises had stopped. She found it comforting. Not always comfortable, but comforting. He needed this. He'd never admit it, but he did. A little distraction. Someone he could talk to about the most insignificant things in the history of the world, knowing there was no need for deeper talk, because she understood no matter what.

Eventually, he exclaimed he had to go to bed. That was a code for 'See, if I can do anything to ease my mother's pain'. Because that was what he did. He bore it for her.

A perfectly normal day in Iowa.


	2. Chapter I: The new interns

**Disclaimer: If I owned Grey's, thousands of people would be following this story. Unfortunately for me, I don't own Grey's. Which clearly sucks. **

**A/N: 5 reviews... A little over 120 hits... A little disappointing. Hopefully has nothing to do with us Addex fans becoming less and less... That'd be beyond bad.**

**This chapter is in the present. Doesn't mean you won't get any more scenes from the past. I simply like working with flashbacks. If you read my McBlog, you'll know. ****New ramblings 'bout new chapters to be found there, too.**

**Won't keep wasting your time with pre-chapter ramblings: Enjoy and please, please review! **

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**Shards of glass - Chapter I: The new interns**

_Lifehouse - Blind_

_after all this time  
I never thought we'd be here  
never thought we'd be here  
when my love for you was blind  
but I couldn't make you see it  
couldn't make you see it  
that I loved you more than you'll ever know  
a part of me died when I let you go_

Addison was on her way to find her interns. New interns. Unknown faces. Hell, she hadn't even taken a look at the list of names yet, she'd been too busy crying about the fact that once more she'd walked in on her boyfriend with some nurse and they hadn't even noticed. That had happened before. Six times by now.

She hadn't expected Mark Sloan to be someone to be faithful, no, of course not. Mark was a cheater. Mark was a manwhore. It was what he did, he couldn't help it. But it was humiliating to experience it in person, again and again and again. Knowing felt a whole lot different than seeing. She'd been dating the guy for five years and the first month they'd been together one of her friends had admitted she'd seen him in a hidden corner with a girl that hadn't been Addison.

She assumed he could keep it in his pants for about two weeks before he had to cheat. If he put up an effort. Mark Sloan wasn't a one-girl kind of guy. Which was okay. He loved her as much as he was able to. But sometimes it wasn't enough for her.

Anyway, her interns. The chief of surgery, a rather scary, intimidating (yet rather small) woman called Miranda Bailey had given her the list of names the day before, but she hadn't even given it a small glance. She was supposed to meet them at the nurses station. And there they were. Three girls (black hair, blond hair and really blond hair) and two guys, one of them looking vaguely familiar. Well, he definitely looked hot as hell. Argh, she had not just thought that about her intern, had she? She quickly pulled out the list and started reading their names out loud, which made them stop chatting and look at her.

"Cristina Yang?"

The hard-core looking Asian woman raised her hand, giving her a death glare. Oh, this was going to be so much fun...

"George O'Malley?"

A guy who looked so shy he might run away if she yelled at him.

"Meredith Grey?"

A small, skinny blonde with tired eyes. Hungover, huh? She looked like she'd gotten drunk and taken advantage of some poor unsuspecting man who she'd thrown out in the morning. Amazing.

"Isobel Stevens?"

The really blond one. Bright and happy-looking, she said:

"Everyone calls me Izzie!"

She looked like a model and her voice was bubbling over with excitement. Urgh. A happy person.

"Alex Karev?"

The hot guy was staring at her like his eyes had glanced over. Damn, he was-... Wait. 'Alex Karev'? ALEX KAREV?

"Oh..."

The little sound had escaped her lips before she could hold it back. Her head spun. Her blood raced. Alex was here. Here. In Seattle. Alex Karev. How the hell had that happened? How was that even possible? And why did her heart feel like it was going to explode?

After long, deliciously torturous seconds of simply staring at each other, disbelief written all over each of their faces, Izzie Stevens piped up, eying them suspiciously:

"Okay... What am I missing here?"

That was when Alex finally snapped out of the mood, forced his eyes off Addison and gave the blonde a mockingly seductive grin. It was fake. Addie could see it was fake. She knew the guy by heart. That was where he'd always been. Right in her heart.

"Nothing, Dr Model. I'm all yours."

If he'd have known that that once more the redhead felt like she'd been slapped, he might have said something else. Maybe this was his way of telling her he'd moved on. That he simply didn't care anymore. It was even possible that he never really had. Even the thought of that made the sting overwhelming and all Addison wanted to do was run. Again. But somehow she managed to stay and do her jobs.

"I have five rules", she started, then cleared her throat, because her voice was ridiculously small and cracking, "memorize them. Rule number one: Don't bother sucking up. I already-...", she caught Alex' eyes again, once more making her voice die before it could leave her mouth, "I already hate you, that's not going to change."

For a tiny fragment of a second, she could have sworn Alex had flinched just the smallest bit at the word 'hate'.


	3. Chapter II: The resident

**Disclaimer: Do I own Grey's? Do I make tons of money? Do I break up the best couples? Hm... Let me think... Nope, don't think so. **

**A/N: Yay! You made me happy! 14 reviews! I'm totally elated! **

**Yes, you will find out what happened between them. Eventually. I'll give you a little sneak-peak in my McBlog along with my usual entry. Maybe you want to consider reading:P **

**This chapter isn't all that well-written. Especially the end. Horrible, really. Sorry about that, but the muse kept me waiting and I didn't want to keep you waiting. Perhaps you'll enjoy it anyway? Crappy or not: Please keep reviewing! You guys make my day!**

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**Shards of glass - Chapter II: The resident**

_Lifehouse - Blind_

_I would fall asleep  
only in hopes of dreaming  
that everything would be like is was before  
but nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting  
they disappear as reality is crashing to the floor_

Alex couldn't believe it. After nine years of missing her, there she was, standing right in front of him, his boss. And apparently neither had known about the other's presence at the same hospital. Hell, he hadn't even known she was a surgeon! What were the odds?

She hadn't recognized him. He doubted she'd even taken a look at that list she was holding. He on the other hand, had known immediately. He'd been told his resident's name was 'Montgomery', which had reawoken the hope it was her, that he'd see her again. Yet he'd thought there were so many people called Montgomery out there it was delusional to assume it could be the girl he'd grown up with. She could have married some guy, changed her name. For all he knew, she could just as well have become a lawyer or a baker or something. Fine, not a baker. Addison Forbes Montgomery didn't bake. Or at least she hadn't.

Anyway, he hadn't known anything about her choice of profession. And this was Seattle, not New York. She'd left Iowa for New York, so why would she be in Seattle? But the moment he'd turned his head to check who his resident was, he'd felt like shoots of lightning were going through every inch of his body.

It almost hurt him, how insanely beautiful she was, not looking at him, reading out the names of his colleagues. He felt eight years old all over again. The sudden appearance of an angel in his fire of hell shook him up. The feeling was the very same. A stab to his heart, ripping down walls he'd built around it, leaving a sting behind, as painful as it was healing. Which didn't make any sense. But really? Nothing about them ever had.

"Alex Karev?"

She looked up at him. Finally. Right in his eyes. For a second she still seemed to think he was a stranger, but then the expression on her face changed and she gasped for air with a little:

"Oh..."

Yeah, exactly: 'Oh'. That about summed it up, didn't it? So many emotions rushed through his blood, he was glad he didn't faint. Well, that would have been a great way to get reacquainted with someone: Passing out at their mere presence. Okay, the word 'presence' didn't quite grasp it. It was the sparks. Anyone getting in their line of vision would have been grilled instantly. They made him dizzy with longing and pain and the foolish feeling of hope. Hope. Only she could do that to him.

The eye contact ended, when the hot (What? A guy could look, couldn't he?) blonde with the bright voice, who looked like a model, exclaimed:

"Okay... What am I missing here?"

He tore his eyes away from the painfully beautiful redhead, mustered up the strength to put on his trademark seductive smirk and answered:

"Nothing, Dr Model. I'm all yours."

And just for a tiny fragment of a second, he could have sworn Addison had flinched just the smallest bit at those words. But that was ridiculous, right? She couldn't possibly expect him to fall on his knees and ask her to marry him or something along the lines of that, could she? She knew he wasn't that guy, and as far as she could tell, he didn't even like her all that much. At least not enough to have treated her with an ounce of respect.

"I have-... I have five rules", she started, "memorize them. Rule number one: Don't bother sucking up. I already-...", she caught Alex' eyes again, and he knew the next words were meant only for him, "I already hate you, that's not going to change."

The word 'hate' hit him with a power that almost would have made him run away. He involuntarily flinched. Her eyes immediately jerked away from his. He was glad. She didn't need to see this actually affected him. And just how much.

Almost numb, he followed her while she kept leading him through the entire surgical wing along with the other interns. He didn't even listen to what she was saying, explaining, too focused on staying. On not running. On how fabulous she looked. On the way her voice sounded. It had changed. Only the slightest bit, but it had changed. More mature. Also a little colder. Again, he knew that was meant for him only. The last thing she'd said to him had been so full of pain, it'd broken him. This time she went for the opposite and it worked the same way. Interesting.

She shouldn't still have that much power over him. Sure, he hadn't exactly moved on, but he'd hoped he was over her enough to not feel the same way anymore. Or that his imagination in those nine years had exaggerated her so much, the reality couldn't possibly be equally good. Stupid enough, it was better. Real Addison was so much better than Imagined Addison. Which sucked. Big time.

When a patient was brought in, everybody got assigned to him but Alex. Apparently she was trying to punish him. Unfortunately for her, that meant she'd have to talk to him, since all he could do was keep following her around until he got a job to do. He sighed, trying to keep up with the redhead. As soon as he caught up with her, he casually mentioned:

"So, you ended up being a surgeon."

He didn't really know why, but he felt he had to do something. He could hardly pretend he didn't know her, right? That would have been childish and ridiculous. And if she wanted to kill the tiny bit of hope that they could ever be at least friends again, she should better do it right away. Hope was painful. There had been a reason why he'd never really gotten close to anyone.

"You don't get to talk to me.", she stated in a very cold voice. She might as well have been talking to something really disgusting. Like a toad or something. He knew she hated toads. Or she was a freezer and he was supposed to be frozen. Bad metaphors.

"Geez, don't make such a big deal out of it!", Alex exclaimed, a little angered. Maybe by himself more than by her. Foolish hope. It never did more than hurt him.

"I was just trying to do small talk. Haven't seen you in nine years.", he added, trying to make it sound like a simple fact not like it'd been eating him up alive for all those years. Which, technically, it had. But why let her know that, right? Maybe it was a good thing. That she was this angry. Showed, that once upon a time, she had actually cared. Yeah. Once upon a time.

"And why is that, Karev?", she asked through gritted teeth, more rhetorically than seriously.

"Damnit, Addison, you were gone! I woke up and you'd moved to God knows where!"

She spun around and yelled right back:

"How do you think I felt, Alex?"

And as glad as he was that he finally got to see that fire again, it hurt him. How she couldn't at least try. Yeah. It was the hope. He'd been better off without her in his life.

"I don't know.", he stated, in a very low voice, brows furrowed, "And honestly, I don't care. Do whatever you want. Where I'm concerned, I'd like to keep this professional. Now tell me what to do."

"Alex-..."

For a second the tension visibly fell from her body and she almost sounded vulnerable. Which was about the last thing he needed right now.

"It's Dr Karev to you.", he interrupted her sharply. When she flinched back as if he'd hit her, he added a somewhat weaker:

"Okay?"

And that was that. He got his assignments, while she didn't look at him again, and went off to do his job. That was what he was here for, right? Just because she had mysteriously reappeared in his life, it didn't have to make a difference, did it? Nothing would change now. Nothing would change now. Nothing would change now. Nothing would change now. And maybe, if he focused hard enough, he'd some day be able to convince himself.


	4. Chapter III: Hazel

**Disclaimer: I own a lot of things. Shaky hands, a heart full of doubt and uncertainty and the brilliant plan to be a surgeon some day, for example. I own that. Not Grey's. If I owned Grey's, I'd have other things to deal with. Shaky hands wouldn't ruin my dream. Savvy? **

**A/N: Sorry it took me so long. Got no real excuse, I was simply not in the mood to write. But this chapter is seriously good, so I hope you can forgive my tardiness. Please read, review, check my McBlog for ramblings, and most of all: ENJOY!**

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**Shards of glass - Chapter III: Hazel**

_Lifehouse - Blind_

_after all this time  
I never thought we'd be here  
never thought we'd be here  
when my love for you was blind  
but I couldn't make you see it  
couldn't make you see it  
that I loved you more than you'll ever know  
a part of me died when I let you go_

Addison needed a break. Alex, here in Seattle? Nothing she could deal with. There had been a reason why she hadn't wanted to see him in nine years. No matter how much she'd been longing, she hadn't wanted to see him. If she really had, she could have. Her parents had lived in that small town in Iowa for two more years after she'd started college, it wouldn't have been a problem to go see him. Instead, she'd found excuse after excuse after excuse to not come home, not even visiting. Her parents had spent Christmas at her place in New York.

No, she had avoided meeting him again at all cost. Because all along she had known, seeing his face again would hurt. Possibly more than never seeing him again. It'd bring things back, memories cleanly stored in a very dark place in her brain. Okay, not cleanly stored. Just thrown in a corner and she walked past the large pile trying hard not to look at it. Now, the wound was ripped open.

Yup, she definitely needed a break. Naturally, today of all days there had to be this huge accident where all hands were needed constantly. Thus, a break was not possible. And because she was a resident and had to take care of, communicate with and order around her interns, she'd run into the guy that was currently haunting her every thought (and making it indescribably difficult to focus on actually helping people and not killing them) more often than she wanted to.

She knew he hadn't tracked her down and that this was pure coincidence, but it tore her apart. She tried to hate him, to blame him for things, to be mad at him for now returning her cold attitude. But because she knew him, and because it was no secret he was anything but cold, she couldn't. What she was able to do, was blame herself.

She knew him. She knew how much strength it must have taken him to even make the step of attempting smalltalk. To people like him, things like that were already possibly wounds. Even the tiniest bit they opened up left him vulnerable. And – that she knew for sure – to have made him angry enough to now treat her with cold professionalism, she'd had to hurt him.

If there was one thing Alex was, it was angry. He was the angriest man she knew. The saddest. The most scared. In ninety nine percent of all cases, she didn't know how to deal with him. Because as much as she didn't want to hurt him, he hurt her. Not intentionally, but he did. His mere presence did that for him. Nine years should have healed that, right?

She remembered vividly that the first time she'd met Alex Karev had been exactly the same situation as it would be so many times afterwards. Her sitting on the doorstep outside of the house that she and her family had just moved into. A warm summer night, the smell of the wheat field next to her house.

_A car appeared at the end of the rather lonely road, the driver obviously stinking drunk. It pulled into the driveway of No. 7, the house opposite of Addison's and a guy left it, almost unable to walk. As soon as the man had opened the door (they were never locked in this small village) and stumbled inside, he started yelling. You could hear a small female voice answering, getting smaller and smaller after every outburst of the man, then there were other noises, horrible sounds... _

_Addison knew what was happening behind that door. She wasn't stupid. If anything, Addison Forbes Montgomery was one of the smartest 10-year-olds in the country. But this? Nothing she was prepared for. In fact, she doubted there was anything that could prepare any person for what she was experiencing right now. She was unable to move, unable to stand up and just go to her room, simply frozen, partly because she was unable to believe things like that actually happened, partly because she was scared out of her mind, and partly because of shock. This was clearly not something she was used to. Something she'd heard about in the radio or in television, but never truly believed to be possible. How could anyone do that?_

_After horrible minutes she saw a boy, maybe two years younger than her, exit the house, sit down on his very own doorstep and bury his face in his hands. Soon he was shaking with uncontrollable sobs, hugging his knees._

_She watched, almost in awe. Minute after minute passed by, the sound of his pain drowned out by the loud noises from inside his home. Or were they the same? She knew she had to get up, go back inside, tell her parents. It would be the sane thing to do. Yet, she couldn't move. Just sit there and watch him._

_And then, all of the sudden, and without a warning, his head shot up and he spotted her. Looked at her. For a few seconds, time stood still. Then, they almost simultaneously stood up from their respective front porches. Stood for a moment. Then started walking. Addison didn't even know what she was doing. She simply felt like she needed to. Towards each other. Very slowly. They met in the middle of the street. Maybe half a meter separating them, their steps subsided and then they stood perfectly still again._

_He had short brown hair, wore an old shirt and worn out jeans that both seemed too big for him. And he stared into her eyes with an intensity it nearly creeped her out. It would have, had she seen anything there that didn't shock her. Yes, he looked dangerous. Mouth in a scowl. Brows furrowed. The tears he had shed had left red marks on his cheeks. Yet, he seemed incredibly vulnerable. _

_She hesitantly reached out her hand, waiting for him to shake it. He didn't. It wouldn't have surprised her had he slapped it away. He didn't. He just kept staring at her. _

"_Hello. I'm Addison Montgomery.", she started politely, not really knowing what else to do, "I'm 10 years old and my family and I just moved here from New York City. What's your name?"_

"_None of your damn business."_

_She gasped in shock. That she hadn't expected. They'd lived in a rather noble, rich neighborhood, which meant every boy wore a suit 24/7, knew every single rule of how to be nice to a female creature and noone had ever, ever sworn in her presence! Naturally, she didn't quite know how to respond. _

_He looked pale, with dark circles around his eyes, like he hadn't slept in a while. It was almost terrifying. The boy could not possibly be older than her, but it wouldn't have surprised her if someone had told her he'd already grown up. Physically? No. He was just another boy. Incredibly young. But the look in his tired eyes, it was different than anything she'd ever seen before. _

_They were hazel. And scared. And angry. And sad. Screaming out 'HELP ME' at the same time as they expressed a clear and unmistakable 'Don't get any closer'. Hazel. _

_For some reason she desperately wanted to hug him. Of course, she didn't. She simply stared at him. _

"_That was really rude, you know?", she uttered after a few seconds of almost hostile silence. The tension so thick you could see it. _

_His brows furrowed further and he spat:_

"_Go to hell."_

_Then he turned around and walked away. Back to his house. Through the yard with the oak tree until he disappeared behind it. The noises still hadn't stopped. _

It had changed her life. Actually, grabbed it by the roots, torn it out of solid soil and left her raw and exposed to the world. Yeah. That had been the first time she'd met Alex Karev.


	5. Chapter IV: Waiting

**Disclaimer: If I owned Grey's, I couldn't possibly be happier about reviews than I am now, not owning Grey's. Seriously. You made me shed tears of total and utter happiness. THANK YOU!**

**A/N: You guys rock. You made my day. Actually, the high your reviews gave me lasted three days. I'm still unable to not smile happily when I think about them. I'm glad the last chapter touched you as much as it touched me. Broke my heart, writing it. There'll be more Alex flashbacks.**

**This chapter is in the present, and it is one of those in which I overused metaphors and symbols. But that's the way I wrote this story, and I hope you can forgive me. Maybe you even like it? Either way, please tell me.**

**I really advice you to listen to that song. Not only is it one of my absolute favorites, but it also fits the storyline perfectly. And when I say perfectly, I mean perfectly. **

**Enough for now, if you desire more ramblings, go read my McBlog. Enjoy!**

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**Shards of glass - Chapter IV: Waiting**

_Staind - It's been awhile_

_It's been awhile  
Since I could hold my head up high  
And it's been awhile since I first saw you  
And it's been awhile since I could stand on my own two feet again  
And it's been awhile since I could call you _

And everything I can't remember  
As fucked up as it all may seem  
The consequences that I've rendered  
I've stretched myself beyond my _means_

Addison was on her way home. Hypothetically. Actually she was waiting for her boyfriend in the hospital lobby. She'd checked the board after he'd been 15 minutes late and apparently he was still in surgery. An SRS. Not that he'd bothered to tell her, but it'd take a while.

Maybe she should leave without him. At least then she could avoid accidentally running into her special intern again. Not that it wasn't an absolutely incredible miracle that he was suddenly back in her life, but it was most definitely painful. He hadn't really ever been gone. Just not there. There had maybe been two or three days in those entire nine years that she hadn't thought about the guy next door and what he might have become at least once a day. He even haunted her dreams.

Somehow she knew that'd get worse from now on. And it'd been pretty bad before. Her personal shard of glass, tamponing the wound in her heart. That was simply something Mark wasn't able to do. He couldn't really hurt her. Of course, his behavior was humiliating and made her want more (crave for more, even), but there was no real pain because of him. Not even jealousy. And for some stupid reason, she didn't even want more from Mark Sloan. Alex on the other hand... Alex was sweet, torturous, seductive pain that she couldn't escape, no matter how hard she told herself she actually wanted to. Caught in the web. Not even wanting to escape. Pathetic.

That he'd developed from a handsome young man to an insanely hot adult didn't really help a lot either. He'd even caught her eye before she'd recognized him. And she had MARK SLOAN as her boyfriend. And seriously? That was a point itself without no further explaining needed. Manwhore or not, ass or not, he was damn yummy. She'd met him in college and eventually hooked up with him, mostly because he was determined to believe he really loved her and she was a girl with needs. Emotional and sexual. And he at least was good a one of those. The other one? Well, he tried. That had to be worth something. Actually, trying was what this thing was all about. Compromising and simply trying. It didn't matter that trying was depressing and compromising screaming out for more. There was no such thing as enough. Thus, Mark had to do.

And Alex? Alex didn't exist. He did, but not really. He hadn't wanted her in his world, so he didn't have any important parts in hers to play. At least that was what she kept telling herself.

Mark finally appeared at the end of the hallway and Addison sighed. There were those moments when she thought she was better off alone. That didn't happen very often, but she did have them. Now was definitely one of them. Especially when he got his 'I want sex' grin as soon as he saw her, walked towards her and pulled her into a rough kiss.

She shouldn't have waited for him. She should have left for their house and pretended she was asleep. Not that that would have changed anything. He probably would have 'woken' her, just because he was horny. One thing she didn't like about him. Sure, he never left her unsatisfied and and he was literally always up for it, but apparently her wish to sometimes just sleep didn't mean anything to him, or he simply didn't get it. And usually she didn't mind all that much, but today...

She'd walked in on him cheating yesterday and Alex Karev was her intern. She honestly didn't feel like having sex tonight. At least not with Mark. And Alex? Well, she could hardly just go and take him home to take advantage of him. She didn't want to. They deserved better. Not that there was a chance there might ever be a 'they', but whatever. He wouldn't want it either, after that stunt she'd pulled just because he'd tried to do a little smalltalk. So no sex with her amazingly hot intern, simply the same cheating boyfriend as always.

Mark finally let her go after he'd practically tongue-raped her _and_ felt her up to the point of indecent behavior at a public place (a _hospital_, for crying out loud!). When they turned to leave, Addison caught a glimpse in the black windows, just for a few seconds, reflecting a lonely figure at the end of the hallway, looking strangely pale. Shocked. Like he'd been punched in the stomach. Pulling Mark behind her, she almost ran out of the door and to the parking lot, so she didn't have to keep seeing him.

She didn't know why she assumed he cared. Maybe he didn't. But he'd looked like it. Like it mattered to him. Like _she_ mattered. Which was a feeling only Alex could evoke in her. He gave a crap. About her. He always had. And Mark? Mark didn't. So why was she going home with her boyfriend and not with someone she actually meant something to? For a brief moment, she wondered whether she'd made the right choice walking away nine years ago. Perhaps, if she'd have fought harder-... No. She was not thinking stuff like that.

Damn, Alex Karev wasn't supposed to be here. He wasn't supposed to look hurt as hell, just because he'd seen her with Mark (more like Mark with her, but that didn't matter, did it?). And he certainly wasn't supposed to still be in her heart. Yet, he was. Crap.


	6. Chapter V: Punch in the gut

**Disclaimer: If I owned Grey's, I'd really love my job. Being a student (which is my real-life job), that sucks most of the time. But since I'm also a writer, I do have a job that I love. Grey's, though. Nah, don't own it.**

**A/N: Again, I have to say a huge THANKS for your great reviews! I'm glad you're enjoying reading it as much as I enjoy writing it. **

**Concerning the matter of Mark being a jackass: I wasn't trying to make him an ass. Just-... Mark. Not quite the same thing. You all know him, he's actually quite okay. Just-... Mark. But if you simply want him portrayed as an ass, that's fine, too. :P**

**This chapter is another intense one. I feel like I'm rushing it, but I really want to show you this. Actually, another flashback was planned, but it seemed better someplace else, thus this is what happened. Tell me what you think about it, it's really important to me! **

**I'm not quite sure whether I'll write a McBlog entry right away, but I will eventually. You probably won't like the chapter, for it is angry and painful. Unless you're as cruel as I am. Which would be fine, too. We're not cruel. We care. We want our hearts broken. Which might not make a lot of sense, but it does. **

**Urgh. Forget it, I'm sleep-deprived. Read, review and please cry. I did. **

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**Shards of glass - Chapter V: Punch in the gut**

_Staind - It's been awhile_

_It's been awhile  
Since I can say that I wasn't addicted  
And it's been awhile since I can say I love myself as well and  
And it's been awhile since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do  
And it's been awhile but all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you _

And everything I can't remember  
As fucked up as it all may seem  
The consequences that I've rendered  
I've gone and fucked things up again 

A punch in the gut. That was about what it felt like. Except, his gut was apparently on vacation between his seventh and eight rib. Which was weird. Alex Karev was a surgeon. He knew his anatomy. His gut wasn't supposed to move anywhere. In the human body, so many organs were located on very exact spots that any movement at all was almost impossible. It was one big puzzle and if a single piece didn't fit, it couldn't function.

Which was exactly what was going on with him right now. He couldn't breathe. Every heartbeat felt like one giant ache. He stood frozen to the spot, unable to move. Alex Karev was a surgeon, for crying out loud! He was no fool. But right now, he definitely felt like one. He wanted to kick his own ass for being so damn stupid, but that would make him look even more like an idiot. And mess his anatomy up more than it already was.

What the fucking hell had he expected? He didn't know why he'd assumed she cared. Maybe she didn't. But sometimes, sometimes it seemed like she did. Had. Definitely had. Because what he'd had to witness a moment ago, had made it quite obvious she'd moved on. Which was something he'd never managed to do. Then again, he'd never had a lasting relationship with anyone.

He wondered who this son of a bitch was. Where she'd met him. How long they'd been together. Most of all, he wondered why it bothered him enough to call someone a son of a bitch without even knowing him. If she didn't care, why would he, right? But he did, and it felt like it was messing every inch of his body up. She'd always been out of reach, so why would it now be any different? If he'd ever had a shot, he'd blown it. Big time.

Looking at it like that, it was an awfully good thing that she'd moved on. It'd mean the fucking hope could finally stop for good. She'd made her choice and apparently, she was happy with it. Or at least had been, until she'd seen him again. He'd once more messed her up. No surprise she'd been so eager to go home with that jackass.

He'd given it up ages ago. 'It' being trying to hate her. He hadn't managed to forget her either, so why pretend he hated her? The first time he'd seen her, he'd wished her to the fires of hell. His hell.

_It was a perfectly normal Friday night. The usual pain that suffocated him. The same sobs that wrecked his small, tired body. Alex was crumbling, falling to pieces, dying inside and during it all, he couldn't even say why. _

_He should be used to it by now. What was happening behind that door was nothing new. An everyday disaster. Nothing special. Just him. Simply the hell that his life was. _

_No, he had no right to be falling apart. A few hours ago, he'd stuffed pillows all around Jo and Jake, the three-year-old twins, after he had brought them to bed and tucked them in. Read them a fairytale. One that he didn't really believe in. Some more of the pillows he'd put at the bottom of the door leading into their room. That'd drown out the noises. Heather, his five-year-old sister, was having a sleepover at her friend Molly's place. Noone would know. Noone would hear. His sisters and his brother were still okay. They weren't messed up yet. They were safe. His mother was as quiet as she could be. Probably the only thing she'd done for her kids in a while._

_Alex was only worried about the new neighbors. The others never did complain. They didn't do anything. They ignored it. _

_He was grateful. The last thing he needed was having to defend his father's honor. William Karev was a good guy. Just disappointed by life, angry and frustrated. A defeated loser. He wanted more than he'd ever have. He always had. A musician with ambitions. The day his dreams had died, he'd first laid a hand on Alex' mother. With him standing in the doorway watching. It'd all gone downhill from there. But he was a good guy. Just an abusive bastard who sucked at being his dad. And Alex was worried sick the new neighbors might call the police. Messed up or not, this was the only home he had._

_It never really got that bad. He'd only had to call the ambulance twice. There was no need for the police. It wasn't a big deal, just his personal hell. _

_Alex was sitting on the front porch, waiting for, willing it to finally end. And as much as he didn't want to cry, he still had to. It hurt. Every time there was a crash inside the house, he saw his mother's small frame slamming against the kitchen counter, which every whimper his heart was clenching, he felt every slap, every blow like it was him getting beaten up in there. In the end, it came down to the same thing. Maybe it would even be better if it was him behind that door. _

_He wouldn't be so scared. Because he was scared. He was so fucking scared... In fact, if he knew life could be any different, if he'd ever experienced it to be different, he'd fight. Or break down. Or run away. Or-..._

_He looked up. He got a flash of red and it looked like heaven. Seconds passed and seemed to last an eternity. Then, without thinking about it, Alex almost jumped off the porch, watching the redhead to the same. Both of them stood for a few more seconds, then started walking. Alex had no fucking clue just what he was doing. He simply went with what the power of the moment held._

_In the middle of the dead street, they met. She couldn't be a lot older than he was. Ten years old, tops. A face like one made of porcelain, but somehow with it's very own character. There was something about the way she was currently quirking her brow, that drew him in. The curious, scared gray eyes. Mouth in a half-smile. Adorable red lips. Not as the red as the hair though, that was framing her face so perfectly. Even in the dim twilight, it glowed. _

_It didn't take her extending her hand to make him think that girl was probably the most dangerous person he'd ever met. The hand was open. Not fisted. Open. It scared the crap out of him. When he didn't even move, let alone take it, the redhead lowered her hand again, then started talking._

"_Hello. I'm Addison Montgomery. I'm 10 years old and my family and I just moved here from New York City. What's your name?"_

_Addison, huh? What a weird name. At least he'd been right about her age. Not that that mattered. And was she actually trying to be nice? Like, friendly? He hated her._

"_None of your damn business.", he spat._

_When she gasped, as if in shock, he wasn't quite sure whether to feel triumph or guilt. So instead, he felt something he was used to. Pain and anger and sadness. And fear. That was okay. He was used to it. If it only meant she'd disappear. _

"_That was really rude, you know?"_

_He couldn't take it. She was so beautiful it broke his little heart. Yeah, he needed to hate her. Her mere presence, the look in her eyes made him hope. Hope, that he would finally not be alone anymore. But Alex Karev was not stupid. And hope? A very stupid feeling. Unnecessary. It only evoked disappointment. That girl? Addison? She'd walk away. She wouldn't be there. She wouldn't save him. Thus, the least he could do was save her. Better sooner than later._

"_Go to hell.", he said. And that was exactly what she shouldn't do. Stick around. _

_He quickly walked away, telling himself furiously that he had not fallen in love with an angel. Praying, he'd wake up tomorrow and she'd turn out to be nothing but a dream. He almost fell down as soon as he was out of sight. Hiding behind the house. The noises were even louder here. _

_It got cold. He hadn't washed their clothes in a while, and the last half-way clean shirt he had was not an especially warm one. Addison's clothes had been clean. As fashionable as comfortable. It'd been obvious she liked wearing them. And he honestly didn't know why his thoughts kept straying back to her. He felt the urge to hurt himself physically. Because as much as he wanted the redhead to be an illusion, he hoped she was real. And hope? Hope was dangerous. It did nothing more than kill you slowly. Yeah, that girl, she was the most dangerous person he'd ever met._

_After a while, the noises stopped. He waited a few more minutes, then he went inside. His mother was trying to stand up, but her weak legs didn't seem to manage to support her weight and she was clinging to the counter. He tried to avoid the fresh and the old bruises, when he gently wrapped his arm around her and helped her walk. She didn't look at him. She never looked at him. He assumed she was ashamed. She didn't have to. She was the victim here, not him. _

_The stairs were the worst. His back ached with every step, when he almost dragged her up. She tried, he knew she tried, but she wasn't strong enough to bear her own pain right now. Finally having reached the top of the stairs, they slowly walked through the small corridor. The twins were silent. Apparently, it'd worked and they had slept through it all. It wasn't the first time. When they walked past his parents bedroom, he heard a little whimper. It wasn't his mother's. It was his father. Another thing he should be used to by now. _

_Alex always brought her to his own room. Helped her into his bed. Held her as if she was the child until she was asleep. Then, he went to sleep on the floor. Trying hard not to break into sobs again. And all the time, he saw the redhead's face before his eyes and hated himself for not hating her._

And once more, Alex Karev could do nothing other than hate himself. He'd been the one to screw her up. She'd still been heal that night, when he'd already been a wreck. He shouldn't have let her go down with a sinking ship.

He shook his head, realizing he'd been standing frozen at the spot for at least a few minutes now. People had stared at him strangely, but he'd simply looked right through them. His insides seemed to be back at their normal places. Only his heart. That was probably a little more damaged now than it'd been before. Yeah, well, she was his shard of glass, what could he say?

He walked away quickly.


	7. Chapter VI: Sleepness nights

**Disclaimer: If I owned Grey's, I would still have had a fever and a sore throat, but others would have published my stories for me in the meantime. **

**A/N: Sorry, this took ages, both to write and to publish. The thing is that I lost my sheet of paper on which I'd scretched many, many Addex conversations, and had to improvise. I didn't know what to write for a long period of time, and when I did, it came out like this: Fillerish, no flashback. Sorry. It's still one of my favorites, only the conversation part kinda sucks. But hell, better this than nothing, right? **

**I'm not giving up: Check out my McBlog. I ramble so much in it, it'd be a waste if noone read. On another note: Enjoy and tell me how you liked it! Oh! And thanks for all your wonderful reviews! I usually don't reply to them, but if you keep going the rate you are I might start... :P**

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**Shards of glass - Chapter VI: Sleepness nights**

_Staind - It's been awhile_

_Why must I feel this way?  
Just make this go away  
Just one more peaceful day_

Addison couldn't sleep. She just couldn't. Sure, she was dead-tired, but she could not sleep. No, she was not lying awake, squeezing her eyes shut, counting sheep or something. Perhaps the expression 'couldn't sleep' was wrong. It was more of a 'didn't want to sleep and thus prevented it at all cost'.

It wasn't like she didn't need sleep. She did. She hadn't slept last night either and tomorrow–... today (it was 4.53 am) there was more than one procedure on the board she was very keen on participating (Could you participate surgery?). She dreaded the moment, though. The moment, right before she fell asleep. When the day passed before her eyes.

What she was doing, was watching DVDs. 'LOST', to be exact. She was halfway through the third season by now. Why 'LOST'? Because it was so thrilling and interesting and dramatic that she didn't have time for thinking. Which was – as a matter of fact – the only reason behind this weird marathon.

She'd tried 'ER', but that reminded her of work and working with her new intern. She'd started a couple of movies, but she'd watched 'Star Wars' too often to still have to think about it, and every other film she owned was all romantic. Yes, Mark owned some action movies, but those didn't exactly require intelligence, did they? After another failed attempt with 'Charmed' (why she owned the third season was beyond her, she'd simply found it in the shelf behind her many seasons of 'ER') - definitely too love-focused, she'd been close to thinking. Thus, she'd quickly settled on 'LOST'. It did the job.

Mark had fallen asleep six hours ago. She'd told him she wasn't in the mood, and – surprisingly enough – he hadn't done more to convince her that sex was what she needed than look disappointed. As soon as she'd heard his even breaths, she'd softly wiggled out of his light grasp, tiptoed to the living room and then started attacking her DVD-collection.

Her eyes were finally fluttering shut. It was about time. Maybe one more episode and she'd pass out of sheer exhaustion. Without having time to think. What about? Well, that was obvious, wasn't it? Alex, that he was here, that he was hot, that he was hurt. About the long and short of it.

She didn't really know who she was trying to kid. Herself? Postponing the next morning, having to see him again and to work with him and everything, that didn't help. Not at all. It'd probably be better if she was prepared. Then again, how did one prepare for having to deal with the love of her life, acting as if he was nothing more than a colleague? An insignificant person from the past, if anything? As if he hadn't seen Mark kiss her? Nope, she knew that she was doing nothing more than avoid and deny. But it postponed the moment she did have to think. Because that moment? It wouldn't be nice.

Addison fell asleep on the couch half an hour before she had to get up again, while that chick Juliet's past was getting revealed. She'd never liked her anyway.

_addexaddexaddexaddexaddex_

Alex hadn't slept. Not a second. Not a single god damn second. Instead, he'd lain awake, staring at the ceiling. He'd never been one to count sheep, twisting and turning clearly hadn't done the trick and squeezing his eyes shut obviously hadn't worked either, thus, he'd given up trying at 1.26 am. The infamous staring at the ceiling (interesting, that even later still cars passed the window of his flat and illuminated the shadows) for two hours.

Finally, he'd surrendered, gotten out of bed, dressed, and then out in the pouring rain. He'd spent the rest of the night running through half-dead streets. Returning five minutes before he'd had to get up, then a quick shower, a douple espresso from Starbucks on the way to work, for the sake of caffein. And now here he was, in the locker room, surrounded by gossiping, complaining or sleeping interns.

He dreaded it, having to meet Addison again. How exactly did she expect him to react, to treat her now? She'd seen him see her and whoever he was, but pretending he hadn't surely was the best way of handling this, wasn't it? It was none of his business, after all. Right? Or did she want him to say anything? Be the jealous-... whatever he'd been? Be cool about it? Happy for her, maybe? Ask her who that bastard was so he could dig his grave? Okay, that rather not. No, he had no clue of what to do in that kind of situation. Instinct said 'run and hide', but he could hardly do that, could he?

Reluctantly, he followed that loser O'Malley, who was chatting like a little girl with the hot model chick. They found their resident close to the nurses station – again. His heart might have skipped a beat or two. Damnit, did she have to have the ability to make him feel so stupid?

Alex sighed and tried getting the mental image of her with that jackass out of his head.

She was sipping some coffee. Thank god he hadn't met her at Starbucks. Urgh, random thought... No, she really looked tired. As if she hadn't slept much longer than he had. Which was ridiculous, right? Fine, her make-up was perfect – as always – and there were no abnormal lines on her face, but the way she stood, walked, even looked at people, how heavy her arm seemed when she lifted the cup to her oh so wonderful lips, clear indicators. He knew the chick, after all.

And – not that he'd expected it to be any differently, he caught his redheads eyes as soon as she lifted her head. It wasn't a long connection, she looked away as soon as she noticed it was him, but it still somewhat shook him. He could have sworn she'd flushed just the slightest bit.

The other interns were already waiting with her and she spoke up (yeah, she was definitely dead-tired):

"Grey, Shepherd requested you. Stevens, go with her. O'Malley, trauma pager. Yang, ... Karev, both Burke and Sloan need an intern, pick one."

She wasn't looking at him, and he found she seemed a _little_ uncomfortable. Fine. The situation was right out awkward. The other interns made their way to whatever they were supposed to be doing. He was glad (though – honestly – a little sad, too). But something was-...

"Wait, Mark Sloan?", Alex couldn't help but ask.

"Uh, yeah."

Why did she look even guiltier now?

"THE plastic surgeon?", he rechecked, not able to believe his luck. The dude was like the go-to plastic surgeon on the East Coast.

"Yes."

Looking left and right uncomfortably. What the hell was wrong with her? Alex was being professional and nice and-... Hell, MARK SLOAN! She knew how much he wanted to go plastics, so why couldn't she react a little differently?

"I need to get in on that case.", he stated, half-dumbfounded, half-ecstatic.

"But-..."

"I'm going cardio-thoracics anyway. Had you tried taking that from me, I'd've had to kill you.", the scary Asian chick suddenly uttered, then sent him a death-glare, then walked away. Whatever.

"Okay, then. Where can I find him?", Alex exclaimed excitedly. Fucking hell, he'd get to meet THE MARK SLOAN! The dude had been his idol for years!

The redhead sighed and her eyes found someone in the crowd.

"Uh, there he is."

He followed her half-hearted nod, almost missing that she looked more than a little guilty, closer to panicky and how tense she suddenly was, and then only one though occupied his brain.

Game over.


	8. Chapter VII: At Joe's

**Disclaimer: If I owned Grey's, we'd know a lot more about Alex' past. Do we know details about Alex' past? No. What does that tell you?**

**A/N: I must apologize. Every single chapter takes ages. I wish I could change that, but due to different things I never do get to update regularly. I'm truly sorry about that. At least this one's a bit longer.**

**I'm really happy you like this story, since it probably is the story that means the most to me. Thank you for your reviews, I can't express how much they help me.**

**Do enjoy the chapter, yeah? I really like it. And - if you have a little bit of time - check out my McRamblings at my McBlog. **

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**Shards of glass - Chapter VII: At Joe's**

_Staind - It's been awile_

_Its been awhile  
Since I could look at myself straight  
and it's been awhile  
since i said i'm sorry  
It's been awhile  
Since I've seen the way the candles light your face  
It's been awhile  
But I can still remember just the way you taste  
But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it may seem  
I know it's me - __I__ cannot blame this on my father  
he did the best he could for me_

It's been a while  
Since I could hold my head up high  
and it's been a while since i said i'm sorry

He was having a bad day. A very, very bad day. Not only was he sleep-deprived to no end and currently running on approximately two litres of pure caffein, but also working with – or was it 'for'? - the guy who was screwing the love of his life (no, that was not the exact term he used when he thought about her, but pretty much what she meant to him). Yeah. Bad day indeed.

Addison was with Mark Sloan. THE Mark Sloan. Not only did he look like every chick would want to jump in the sack with him as soon as they even saw him from afar (he'd heard the expression "walking around in a steam cloud" at the nurses station), but also was he rich, famous and – frankly – brilliant. Damn. How could he compete with that?

Then again, did he want to? Yeah, he did, but really? Wasn't she better off happy with that jackass instead of bothered and hurt, because he, Alex, was trying to win her (back)? Sure, he was different now, a little less messed up, with not having to take care of what was left of his family anymore, but... Nope, she deserved better. Always had, always would.

What didn't help was that Sloan turned out to be a real asshole. When he wasn't busy flirting shamelessly with nurses (the main reason why Alex wasn't all that fond of that cheater: Addie deserved better than some guy who didn't bother trying to be faithful), he didn't let Alex do a thing. Picking up his laundry, fetching him coffee or sandwiches. Sutures, dabbing blood, changing bandages if he was lucky. That was that. Plastics was _so_ much fun.

_addexaddexaddexaddexaddex_

Addison had disappeared right away, finding she was unable to handle the situation (the love of her life finding out his idol was her boyfriend). This was beyond bad. Alex' excited face falling as soon as he'd seen Mark... Ouch. Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch. Bad, bad thing.

He should be happy. Whenever she'd thought about him the past nine years, she'd always pictured him happy, maybe with a wife and kids (yeah, a little bit unrealistic, but anyway). She'd told herself he'd move on quickly, from both, his messed up family and what had happened between him and her. To find he really hadn't... Not the best feeling in the world.

Thus, she was spending her night at the bar across the street. She'd only been here twice before, not because she didn't like the place – lovingly called 'Joe's' by regulars – but because she tried not to drink too much. Not only did she fear if she ever started she wouldn't be able to stop – especially now – but also she couldn't get Alex' face out of her head when he'd caught her sipping vodka a long time ago. With his father being an alcoholic and all.

She'd switched from vodka to martini almost as soon as she'd moved to Manhatten. Still, only drinking when there was a special occasion. Very special ones, like anniversaries. No, not birthdays, her very own anniversaries. Hardly ever as a respond to present life. All the drinking she'd done in New York had been caused by her past.

Now was time for an act of desperation, though. As tired and exhausted – mentally and physically - as she was, she could not go home now. She was glad enough she'd managed to avoid Alex for the rest of the day. The image of him trotting after Mark, seeming somewhat defeated was burned too deeply into her brain already. So yeah. Drinking time.

She frowned when she spotted Derek (her ex-boyfriend) hitting on one of her interns (the dirty blonde) and realized he must have been the guy that Meredith Grey had thrown out of her bed the night before her first shift. Interesting. Now, however, she seemed to be a little embarrassed and wanting to get away. Ashamed she'd slept with her boss, he? Hehe, funny. The next time Addie'd see him, she'd laugh at him (not to mention question him).

Okay, that was the martini talking. She, Dr Addison Forbes Montgomery, had her own intern problems, after all. Even though hypothetically he and everything she'd experienced with him should be completely in her past. A long time ago. Nope, it wasn't that funny. Not at all, actually. It was painful to remember. Where was her next drink?

Looking at people through a empty martini glass soon seemed like an interesting way of spending her time, after she'd given up staring at the peanuts in abject horror. These things tended to hurt her (she was allergic). She was sitting at a table in a corner, the perfect place to simply watching what was going on around her. The martinis had made her sleepy and the warmth of the bar enveloped her perfectly. Drowsiness was a beautiful thing. She'd only had to be careful not to fall asleep with her head on the table (as it was right now). That'd be a little bad.

And then the door opened, while she fought a silent but exhausting battle with her eyelids, and as soon as her tired eyes fell on who'd just entered the bar, she didn't feel all that tired anymore. In fact, the usual jolts of lightning going up and down her spine did a pretty good job waking her up.

Ah. Drunk, sleep-deprived and deeply depressed. What a wonderful combination to watch Alex Karev from afar. If it hadn't been so sad, it might just have made her day.

_addexaddexaddexaddexaddex_

If anyone had told him only days ago that his first day on the service of THE Mark Sloan would result in him having to pay his favorite bar a visit even though he was about to fall asleep standing, he'd have laughed in their faces. It wasn't that he was planning on getting drunk – hell, he couldn't remember a single time he'd gotten really, seriously pissed – it was more like not wanting to be alone right now. And Joe's was the closest thing to a home he had right now.

It'd been the first thing he'd done as soon as he'd moved to Seattle: Check out whether there were any bars around. And interesting enough, The Emerald City Bar had had it's opening three days later. So he'd showed up there and hadn't spent an evening away from it ever since. Save from last night, of course. He'd been too shaken then to even think about it; absolutely unable to be around people. Now, he wasn't anxious and hurt and in shock anymore, he was simply exhausted.

So he ordered a beer – as usual – and sat down at the bar – his usual seat. Joe, the bartender and some sort of friend, always provided him with a beer or two and information of who might be interested in spending a night with him. Right now, Alex wasn't all that keen on a one-night-stand (as a matter of fact, he was pretty sure he'd fall asleep half-way through), even though female company would probably help get over the fact that Mark Sloan was screwing his redhead. He simply wasn't in the mood. Probably _because_ Mark Sloan was screwing his redhead.

He only realized he had to have been staring at the wall for a few minutes at least when some guy came over to him and – for a reason he did not quite get – started talking to him.

"Hey.", he said.

"Hey.", Alex answered, lacking a better response, since he had no freaking clue what the dude wanted from him.

"You're Addison's intern, right?", the guy asked.

Alex snorted, not even caring that hypothetically he shouldn't know who the hell "Addie" was – he did know her as Dr Montgomery, after all.

"Yes."

"What's your name?"

He had to try hard not to be rude and say something along the lines of "Piss off! What the hell do you want from me?". Right now, he was too tired to deal with whatever it was.

"Alex Karev.", he forced out, still staring at the wall, "Yours?"

"Derek Shepherd."

A second of silence, either brooding – wondering where the hell they'd heard their respective names before – then they blurred out simultaneously:

"Derek Shepherd?"

And:

"Alex Karev?"

"Fucking hell! You're-..."

"Yeah. And you're the guy next door."

"Dude, when will the weirdness stop?", he shook his head with a little forced-amused smile (haha, _so_ funny) and took a sip of his drink.

"Why didn't she tell me you were here?"

Alex almost choked on his beer.

"You still dating?"

Was she cheating on Shepherd with Sloan or what was going on? Well, no judgement (jealousy, though) if she was, but it'd seemed a little too obvious to have been a spontaneous or once-in–a-lifetime or _secret_ meeting he'd witnessed last night, it definitely hadn't looked like an affair behind Shepherds back (right in front of his face, more like it) or whatever. Alex had simply assumed that jackass was her boyfriend and hadn't heard it contradicted yet.

"No, we broke up right after she moved to New York.", the other guy shook his head (with a real horrible amount of hair on it) with a smile and once more Alex's beer seemed unwilling to go down throught the esophagus instead of the trachea. Right after she'd moved to New York? But why? Surely, she couldn't have felt that guilty, could she?

"But she's my best friend.", Shepherd continued, "Apart from Mark, of course, but he doesn't count."

Now was perhaps the moment when Alex realized he should stop drinking while around people who were talking to him. They tended to say shocking things, and his reaction was clearly not good for his beer. He'd just knocked it over.

"Sloan?", he coughed.

"Yeah."

"That's just messed up.", Alex shook his head.

"Kind of.", then, quickly – as if remembering what he'd come over to talk to him in the first place, "Listen, do you know anything about Meredith?"

Huh? Who? Apparently the question mark plastered on his forehead, since Shepherd quickly added:

"Grey?"

Grey? Meredith Grey? Who was that agai-... Ah! One of the other interns. Hot chick. Not as hot as the model, but definitely not bad.

"Why would I? Only just met her.", he shrugged.

"Pity.", Shepherd stood up. Apparently he'd only gone over to him to talk about that Meredith chick.

"Nice meeting you anyway. I'm sure Addie's thrilled to see you again."

"I dare to doubt that.", Alex muttered to himself and his – half-spilled - beer while that Shepherd guy was already walking out the door of the bar.

_addexaddexaddexaddexaddex_

Only a few sips later, the bartender himself seemed to decide paying Alex a visit would be worth it. Not that he had to go very far. And noone wanted a drink right now anyway, so it wasn't that much of a surprise Joe found a little time to talk to a regular. 'Cause that, he was. Alex considered himself at home here. Kind of.

"What's up? You've been sulking all night.", Joe asked, emptying the counter of peanuts and peanutshells. People never ate them. They only cracked them open and then forgot them on the never really completely clean surface. Alex found peanuts to be rather depressing. Addison was allergic to them. A very, very small smile briefly crossed his lips when he remembered how she'd gotten these weird red spots all over once.

"Don't wanna talk about it."

"Okay. Any chance you're interested in a one-night-stand?"

Apparently, the bartender was trying to cheer him up. He wished it was working.

"Dude, you're really not my type.", Alex smirked mockingly.

"I wasn't talking about myself. The redhead over there's been staring at you ever since you entered my bar."

His heart fell about the same time his head automatically jerked around to meet – who else could it be – Addison's eyes. Shocked about the sudden surge of lust that shot through his entire body, he immediately adverted his eyes again, but his head seemed to be slightly reluctant moving away from his redhead.

"Oh.", was all he could utter.

"You know, she kinda looks like she wants to eat you."

"She has a boyfriend, okay?", he stated hastily and with a certain amount of bitterness.

"That stopping you?", Joe asked genuinly surprised.

"Yeah."

"Why?", now the bartender looked as if Alex had just told him the earth wasn't round after all. Great.

To his shame, Alex had to admit that girls having boyfriends never had stopped him from having a good time with them. When they were willing, it wasn't his fault they were cheating, was it? He didn't think it was that much of a big deal anyway, cheating. Not that that was anywhere close to his mind. Right now, said mind was very busy shooting into overdrive with worry.

"Does she come here often? You know, to drink?"

Oh, he should not be asking this. It was none of his business.

"Nope. Only seen her twice, I think."

A double wave of both, relief and disappointment washed over him. Relief, because the last thing he wanted was for Addison to turn into someone he actually had to take care of, whether she wanted to or not, because she needed help. Disappointment, because it'd mean she wouldn't be here very often after this night and he wouldn't get chances to simply stare at her for a few minutes from a far corner. Damn.

He abruptly got up.

"Alright, I'm calling it a night. See you tomorrow."

And before Joe even had time to yell a...

"Bye."

... after him, he had left the bar.

_addexaddexaddexaddexaddex_

Addison was still staring at the now closed door of the bar, half-slumbering again, when suddenly a voice behind her made her jerk around (and possibly awake).

"So, lady, care to tell me why my favorite regular just fled the scene after doing as much as looking in your general direction?"

Her heart dropped when she realized he had to be talking about Alex. He couldn't be talking about someone else, could he? But it wasn't so much the fact that he'd "fled the scene", it was more that...

"He's a regular?", she asked automatically.

"Been here every night since I opened the bar.", the bartender nodded frowning slightly.

"Damn."

Alex. ALEX KAREV! She should have known better than to go to a bar this close to the hospital. She knew the guy next door, after all. He'd grown up in a bar and obviously he considered this one his new kind-of home in Seattle. And now she'd chased him away. From his bar. She'd really have to talk to him about that. Tell him she'd never show up there again. Anything to make him not lose the little taste of being genuinly comfortable somewhere.

"You alright?", the guy asked, seeming a little concerned. Hah! He shouldn't be. Not for her, anyway. Alex, yeah, definitely, but she was not someone one should care for much.

"I'm an idiot. Please kill me.", she uttered dully, burying her head in her hands. Just in case her hangover wouldn't do that for her.

"I sense an interesting story."

With that, she looked up from her palms again.

"He hasn't mentioned me? Ever?"

Urgh... She had to sound beyond pathetic, desperate even! She wasn't desperate. Fine, maybe the tiniest bit? Oh, she couldn't be blamed for that, right? Due to alcohol and severe lack of sleep and the latest interaction with the guy she'd always loved, her desperation and patheticness couldn't be judged.

"Who are you?", the guy frowned, which made her extend her hand.

"Dr Addison Forbes Montgomery, pleased to make your acquaintance."

"Joe, nice to meet you."

He shook it. A few seconds of silence, then she remembered what they'd been talking about.

"So, ever heard of me?"

"Nope."

"Damn."

Damn indeed. She wasn't quite sure whether that meant he didn't/hadn't care(d) for her, but it certainly hurt. Sure, Alex Karev was not exactly famous for (willingly) coming out with the story of his life to everyone he ever met, but he must have said something to the bartender, right? Bars were his home, after all.

"Sorry.", Joe said, apparently trying to express his condolences for not having heard of her. Haha, funny. No, not really.

"I'm tired and drunk...", she muttered, checking the already empty glasses for little drops of alcohol that she could consume. Yup, drinking was a bad idea. Having come here in the first place had been a very bad plan. Now she'd have to talk to him. Alex could not lose his home because of her. It only bugged her that he didn't consider her his home. But then again, how could he? Argh, internal ramblings sucked...

"Want a cab?", the bartender offered, obviously catching on to the fact that Addison was slurring and depressed and needed to go home now.

"Yup. Thanks.", she nodded.

And that was the end of her night. She fell asleep in the cab, was woken rather rudely, then forced herself to walk into her apartment and ultimately passed out on the living room floor.

* * *

**IMPORTANT A/N: Since I'm not quite sure how I want to continue this, you get to choose. Either the next chapter will continue the storyline, or it'll deal with Alex and how bars are his home, using flashbacks. Please tell me what you'd like to read. Thanks!**


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